I ain't no good at this...

So I've just recently re-discovered my blogs again!

I know, I know.. I've been a real shit with this "blogging" business... but life and shit... it happens...
Not that I'm saying I've suddenly developed a life, but stuff keeps me busy... too busy to sit down in front of a screen to type and type and spill my thoughts as I once did so regularly.


But!

I've just re-discovered this and was re-reading my thoughts and you know what? I'm pretty darn good.
I must get back into this habit again... otherwise I end up forgetting important things that happen... things like those dreams of -him- and dreams of others...

A purposeless life

Sometimes... on days like today, I feel like I'm just wasting space.

I have no real purpose here other than to go to work and earn money... I am the last to be thought of, I am not needed anywhere... I serve no useful purpose. And so my life is really... just being.

I have to live.
I know I have to get my mind to shift gears. I know I need to get out and enjoy who I am. To just live.
But talking about living and enjoying life and actually doing it is very different.

Somehow over the past few months I've regressed again. It's a dip in the remarkable year I've had... I know what this feels like. I think I might have itchy feet again... I need to find something to do that will make me happy... I know that whenever I feel like this it's because there is something in my life that I am unsatisfied with.

Must figure out what that is.

I cannot keep going on like this, always up and down like a swing... feeling great and then feeling like shit... and then feeling good and then feeling useless... feeling like I don't belong anywhere.

There is a purpose for me. I just gotta figure out what that is.

Still dreaming

Last night I had a dream about you..

I still cannot quite believe that after all this time, I can still have such vivid dreams of you.

Do I really still miss you that much? I'm not so sure anymore.

What was in this dream? I think I was still angry with you.

We were at a party... someone's wedding... I don't remember who the wedding couple were but I was seated on the same table as you.

It was awkward, you were already there drinking and celebrating with friends when they sat me across the table from you. I avoided all eye contact with you. I didn't want to talk to you. I just wanted to be out of there. I can't face you because I love you too much and it took me a long time to learn how to not be in love with you.

So I sat quietly and I ate and I small-talked with people around the table, I ignored you, but you tried to engage me in conversation... I snapped at you and sulked off.

I held back tears that wanted to fall at the sight of you but I refuse to cry for you anymore.

Happy wedding guests were laughing and enjoying the celebrations, group photographs were being taken with the bride and groom.... I forced a happy smile for them.

I saw you watching me, I saw you waiting for me, wanting to talk to me... or perhaps it was just me wanting you to do all those things. But I know you... you will never be waiting for me, never watch me... secretly wanting to talk to me... never want to explain why you did all the things you did... never apologise....

My heart broke for you, for all the things you promised to me that will never be realised, for all the elated highs you gave to me and then hastily and cruelly took back. You left me broken and crumbled and just when I have begun to mend, you appear again in my thoughts. Why?

I see the bride upset with me, it must be showing clearly on my expression that I'm upset with something. She gives me a polite but firm "Please don't ruin my wedding..."

Hmm...... that bride is a bitch! Lol

And then what happened? Well... not much... I think I woke up shortly after that. Still upset, still angry with you. But I suppose that is a change. A new revelation. At least now I am admitting that I -AM- actually angry with you. I want you to apologise. I want to see you be sorry. I want us to be ok again.

But...

 

I know it never will be. 

It never will be ok between us again.

I am not ok with that.