23 December 2024 - Dating

 So 13 November I finally relented and signed up to a dating app and O M G, it was so incredibly overwhelming I didn't know how to deal with it all. And by all, I mean, by all the hits I received from random men who most of which, clearly did not read my profile or try to understand me... I think they just hit like on a pretty photo. Such a yuck way to attract the opposite sex... 

I mean, I'm now part of that cycle but it still feels yuck.

Anyhoo... that is a whole other post.

Fast forward 5 weeks, and I have stopped responding to new messages from the app 3 weeks ago, and currently only talking to a small handful of guys I have met on it.

Of which, there is really only 1 that I feel like I have a true connection with.

It feels odd. And I'm trying to be cautious with my feelings. I know me, I know how I am. When I fall for someone, I fall hard, and deep and often quickly. And if I am being honest, the only thing I can really control is the speed/pace - so there is one guy, and I love the way I feel when I'm with him. And I'm not sure if it is because he is so different to what I know and am familiar with, and so different to what I had expected in a man. 

I did not expect to fall for someone who is the way he is...

And I am trying to gauge if this is just a feeling of lust taking over again or am I really truly feeling like he understands, like he sees me for who I am and wants to know more. I really don't know and I have no idea how to find out.

I have broken all the rules and boundaries that I have set for myself. I am not great at abiding by my own boundaries.

What do I mean?

Well, our first date was arranged on the same day it happened. I did always say to myself - do not agree to last minute dates with anyone, this is a rule because you don't want to feel like an afterthought, or a fill in date because something else fell through. But I really wanted to see him and all boundaries went out the window. 

Another thing was, we should meet somewhere central/ neutral but he told me he couldn't drive so instead, I drove to his neighbourhood and met him there. And I hate driving, and I especially hate driving to places that I am unfamiliar with... I did that for him. What's wrong with me?

Next thing, we kissed on the first date. Not just a quick peck on the cheek or lips, but a real proper passionate kiss, against my car. To be honest, he kissed me and I let him and I liked it.

Second date happened within days. I again drove out to him on a week night when I had work the next day. It's definitely something I wouldn't do for anyone else.

In fact, I've become so bored of other conversations with the other men.

Second date was special - unexpectedly, we had the whole restaurant to ourselves, and it was wonderful. As if it was deliberately planned that way even though I know full well it wasn't. I'm going to remember it like it was definitely planned and organised that way :)

The food was average, but the two of us was in a world of our own with little interruptions from anyone else, including the wait staff. Afterwards, he walked me to my car and again pulled me in close and kissed me against the car. We cuddled and kissed for a little bit and it all felt wonderful.

I remember we were the only ones in the dark carpark when suddenly another car pulled in and dropped someone off. Their headlights were shining on both of us like a spotlight, as we both looked up at it, he just softly shouted "help". 

I still smile about it now when I think about it. 

By the 3rd date, we had sat and talked in a cafe for hours before heading for a short drive past his old house and a national park... then headed back to his house to cool down. And long story short, we slept together that day. I certainly didn't plan or expect it to happen so quickly. Not my usual modus operandi.

The feeling inside me, just feels so good when I am with this man. And he is nothing like I imagined. In fact, on paper, is nothing that I should want at all at this stage in my life.

1. He is (hopefully temporarily)half blind and severely vision impaired.
2. Due to this, he is unable to drive so I have to go to his neighbourhood to see him rather than them coming to see me like the other dates.
3. He has a job that does not pay a stable income.
4. He lost a lot of his wealth in his divorce, and unlikely to have decent superannuation, proper insurances, or ability to retire at a reasonable age, whilst I have plans to retire in 10 years or less.
5. He is overweight - apparently, according to him, because he is not allowed to exercise due to the pressure on his eyes.
6. He has 2 very young kids for his age. This means that I cannot see him for at least half the month (if we were to date).
7. He has mental health issues. That he is/has dealt with and very open about.
8. Due to his young kids, we are unlikely to be able to go on decent overseas holidays (if we were to date), also he probably won't have funds to go anyway.
9. He's got very "white" taste buds - I will have to educate him on the enjoyment of eating at nice places.
10. He may not be able to financially keep up with my desire to eat out at nice restaurants.
11. He is (self-admittedly) not very handy around the house.
12. He lives too far. He is unlikely to be able to move due to his kids commitments and I will never move from my beautiful home.
13. He once made lots of money, but is now a stereotypical "poor artist" type.
14. He is older than the other guys I am talking to.
15. He is not as fit as the other guys I am talking to.

Despite all these things, I find him extremely attractive and I cannot stop thinking about him. His words, his intelligence, the way he expresses his feelings and sees right into mine, makes me feel so vulnerable and yet so seen at the same time.

I cannot articulate the things he can so easily put into words, and I wish I could.

But my focus has shifted and I'm ever so glad.

I still miss that bozo, but I'm glad I can see through the fog now. I'm glad I resisted the urge to get in touch on his birthday. I just have to keep reminding myself, why do I give so much energy to someone who doesn't want me back. When there are clearly so many people out there who do want me!

Now, I am on a mission to avoid the same mistakes I've made in past relationships.

I will set up boundaries. I will write them down. I will memorise them. And I will abide by own boundaries.

I really hope things work out with him because I really like this one, despite the challenges we face now.

13 Sep 2024 - 12 months...

I miss that fucking arsehole so much and I hate that I feel this way.

It's been 12mths to the day since we slept together and I never hear from him again. One day messages non stop, phone calls every night and then nothing. Dead silence. 

I remember that night like it happened yesterday. 

And I feel like an idiot for trusting him, for believing his lies. I hate that I didn't trust my gut and my head but I trusted my heart. Heart was wrong. 

Big time wrong. 

I know I don't know him, I know that I was used, I know that I was far too good for him, I know it's probably just because I want to know why, I want a reason from him, I've never been treated like this before and I know that I most likely only miss the feeling he gave me for that fleeting moment and not actually the person he was, yes rationally I know all of these things but fuck man, this feeling in the pit of my stomach really aches for missing him. And it feels really real.

I don't want to miss him. I want to call him and confront him, I have a million things I want to say to him and a million more ques9to ask him but I know that it won't change anything. He doesn't want me and I need to accept it. But my neurotic mind will not let it up. 

And I regret so much. 

I hate that I let him make me feel this way.

STOP!

I want it to all stop. 

I want to move on with life without thinking of that jerk for a full day.

Just stop now. 

I cannot 😒

30 Aug 2024 - Memories

Tonight's the night. 12 months ago he invited me over to walk with him and his dog. It was a cold but clear night and the moon was full and large, a really lovely full blue moon. It felt like we were on literally the top of the world. We could see the city skyline and all the big mansions around his neighbourhood.

He didn't live in a mansion, just a little townhouse surrounded by big houses. But it was cute and well kept. I was surprised at how tidy it was for a single man. 

We had such a lovely easy going night. I really felt like that was something special but I'm a fool. 

He's a player and a coward, he got what he wanted, he's not a nice person, he's forgotten about you, he's found somebody else, move on you silly girl.

Why do you let him take my space in your head and heart like this rent free? You silly fool.

You deserve more. 

Move forward. Why can't you move forward with your life?

Release yourself from these things that are holding you back. Let yourself get on with life.

You remember everything he has told you, you remember everything you know about him but you don't know him. You never did. It was all in your head. 

He doesn't care about you. You really wanted him to call you on your birthday but he didn't and are you really that surprised? Everything leading to this point already told you all about him. This is all you'll ever need to know. He doesn't care or remember you. 

Fools. The both of us. 

He doesn't deserve you. You don't want him back. You deserve someone who thinks of you as their queen and treats you like the most precious thing in the world. Why waste time focussed on someone who doesn't want you? It makes no sense. Move on. 

31 May 2024 - Feelings

I heard somewhere, you have to be able to separate how you feel about someone and how that person makes you feel. They are two very different things.

That hits close to home. 

I feel like I really liked the Bozo, we had a good connection, similar senses of humour, we seem to get each other... But ultimately he has made me feel like a dirty discarded piece of tissue. He hurt me and yet I still want to see him, want to talk to him. I still feel so strongly about him. It's stupid.

He makes me feel shit and this is what I need to remember. 

Last night I had a very intense dream about him. He was in the same place I was... It felt like my home or my work place or some place that was my usual place to be, not his usual place... But he was there and I just couldn't look him in the eye. Why? Perhaps for fear of rejection, for fear of having emotions. 

I turned my head down, hoping he wouldn't see me, avoiding his gaze. Which seems silly because for the past few months I have wanted nothing more than to see him appear outside my door. I have wanted to throw my arms around him, for him to hold me tight in his arms.

But no, instead I turned my head down to avoid confrontation. And then later on in the dream, he came to talk to me and I couldn't avoid it anymore. 

I cried. And he tried to ask me why and I couldn't answer him. I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell at him, to tell him I trusted him but he hurt me. 

Fuck. 

And then I don't remember the rest of the dream. 

What a let down. 

It's been a tough week. 

I miss Sooty so much and then this stupid man keeps infiltrating my thoughts. My stupid head and heeart won't let him go. 

24 May 2024 - Sooty

Our dear beloved Sooty, the cutest, cleverly dumb dog you will ever get to meet is not well right now. Our family is devastated.

It really shouldn't be a surprise since she's been on a steady decline for some months now, but I guess the really sudden drastic decline took us all by surprise. How can it possibly be that on one day, she is behaving fine, but then overnight change and the following day, is not fine at all.

In just 1 night, she went from a normal functioning dog to one who is too weak to stand on her own, too weak to go to the toilet and too wobbly to walk straight. In fact, she cannot walk straight at all. She's literally walking around in circles because her brain is telling her head to go left to balance the body.

The body and brain are weird things.

It was very hard to watch and we had to make the difficult decision to put her out of pain. 

The diagnosis was likely to be a brain tumour, based on all the symptoms (head movement from side to side, eye twitching, leaning left, walking in circles, weak in the legs, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, loss of weight, pacing). Without conducting an MRI or opening up her head to look at the brain, its hard to confirm but the symptoms are classic signs of a brain tumour rather than anything to do vestibular system (ear imbalance, or vertigo).

It's the signs that have been presenting for at least the last 12months, but was always so inconclusive.

The vet did say that even if we did do the MRI, the only thing it will do is prove there is a tumour on the brain, but it wouldn't change how we treat her, so it seems an expensive exercise to put her through so much stress and risk.

We are devastated. I really did think we would have at least another 4-6 months with the little one. She was a weirdo but always a good dog. 

She never really liked other dogs but that's ok, you don't have to love everyone. We managed that part of her personality.

At the end of the day, I'm so glad we found her and had her part of our family for almost 16 years.

It still seems never long enough though. I am crushed and saddened. I miss her deeply.

Mostly I am ok, but random thoughts enter my mind at random times and I would choke up with tears.

There are a lot of things I won't miss about Sooty (or Taxi for that matter). I won't miss the fur every where in the house! I'm kind of glad that I can finally go out and buy a nice rug to put in the bedroom and living room without it being covered in dog fur.

I won't miss waking up every morning at 7am regardless of week day or weekend just to let her out for a toilet break and feed her breakfast.

I won't miss her messy eating, leaving food everywhere around the bowl.

I won't miss the pacing. This part I lie, I kind of do miss the sound of the pacing now.... because the pacing means she's still around, and still active and still mobile.

I won't miss the monthly vet visits for her Synovan injections.

I won't miss picking up her poo or cleaning up little accidents, or vomit in the house, or outside the house.

I do miss taking her out for a decent long walk. Towards the end she walked so slowly we didn't long walks anymore, just around the court.

I often wish I had a good suitable backyard with lawn where she could prance around and frollick like she used to. She always did love grass and rolling around and scratching her back on it.

Lu had taken her for the week to give me some respite because I have not been coping with all the stuff that's been happening over the past few months, and coupled with a high needs dog, it just became a little bit too much.

It was while she was away for the week that she took a turn for the worse, and if there was one good thing that came out of this sudden-ness, it's that Sooty got to spend her last week with Lu, who has always been her best friend.

I took 2 days off work to spend with her, mainly she was just sleeping because when you don't eat for 2 days and your body is shutting down... that's what happens. I'm so glad to have been able to do this for her. She did wake every 2 or so hours to pee and try to walk... but walking was wonky and took up a lot of energy. So I slept in the living room with her, and got up when she got up. Suffice to say, I was pretty wrecked but it was worth it to spend those last few hours with her so closely.

At one point, I picked her up and cradled her, crying and apologising for the pain she was experiencing, for not being able to do more to help her, for prolonging her pain because we were not ready to let her go, for having to make the decision to put her to sleep. I'm not sure if she understood but I hope she could feel our love for her.

I hope she knows how much she was loved. We have tried to give her the best life we could give her.

I am so glad to have found her and have her part of our family. I will say this over and over again. We have been so lucky.

I wrote a little bit of stuff I remember about Sooty last night, while it was fresh because I know me and I'm afraid I might forget....

I will miss:

- hearing the jingle of your collar as your tags hit the metal buckle when you wake up and shake

- seeing you nudge open the bathroom door to come in and nudge my leg as I brush my teeth in the morning

- hearing your little feet patter through the house as you do your incessant pacing

- your silly little face, so gorgeous and cute

- how you rarely listened to instructions and just did your own thing your whole life... You were deaf in your old age and may not have heard us well but that was just an excuse.

- seeing your prance around after dinner and good poo

- watching you sleep

- watching you sleep in weird positions

- watching your do zoomies through the backyard

- watching you enjoy rollicking in the grass

- listening to you slurping water and being annoyed by your face dripping water everywhere afterwards

- You! So much. You little weirdo.

I am sorry:

- that I was annoyed with you so often

- that you were in pain and we couldn't help you anymore. I wish we could've done more. I wish you had more time.

- I didn't spend more time at home with you.

- you didn't get to enjoy the new backyard, I wish it was more accessible to you before you were gone.

- that you couldn't enjoy your favourite foods during your last days in the world. I wish I could've taken away the nausea and headaches so you could enjoy eating as you once did

- we had to make the decision we did, it was very difficult to do for someone we loved so much

- that we didn't go for enough walks in your later life

- that we fed your medicine that made you crazy and got me so annoyed with you that I scared you. I'll never forgive myself for that.

- I didn't give you regular baths.

- I didn't take you out more.

21 May 2024 - Triggered

The month of May is never an easy time for me.

It's a month of sadness and sad memories. 

May 2018 was the month of daily hospital visits, the month where each day that passes was a day of lost hope that mum would ever leave the hospital alive. The month of mother's day, a day I no longer celebrate and a little hole becomes darker each year of it's reminder. The month of mums birthday, the month that she died.

Yest, 20th May 2024 marked the 6th year of her passing. The thing that has really been cemented for me is that not one day passes that I don't think of her or miss her. Some days more than ever.

Recently I've been seeing a psychologist and she's been really prodding this area to try to unpack the grief that I've obviously been holding onto for the past 6 years. 

I thought I was going to her to work out my anxiety issues and perhaps likelihood of ADHD (still self-diagnosed as the Psych doesn't think I tick enough boxes.... She's the expert I guess).

Anyway, complex grief leading to anxiety and maybe depression is what she is potentially diagnosing me with. 

So in brief, I've been very sad lately, and have cried a tonne. It's both exhausting and relieving as well. I often really wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me to make me feel safe and cared for. 

And today I had a very triggering moment. 

I went for a lunchtime walk around the neighbourhood and happened to see him, the bozo in his car at a house for sale not far from me. 

I had wondered how I would react if that happened, I had rehearsed a bunch of things to say to him if we came face to face again but alas, my reaction was exactly how I did not want to react.

I crossed the street, I felt a pang of anxiety and a big lump hit my throat, tears grouping up in my eyes waiting to pour out and I thought shit. I didn't bring any tissues. 

Motherfucker. 

I really need to get over this asshole. 

He doesn't deserve me or any of my attention or efforts. My reaction is totally mine to own. And I don't feel like I am in control of it. 

Every fibre of my being says he's not worth it and love on, and rationally I know this but my mind is not rational. My heart just wants him to call me so I can have everything i want to say out but this is just for me, he owes me nothing. He is a jerk. 

The rejection hurt really bad. 

And I think this is where the potential ADHD in me is... The hyperfixation on something, or in this case, the someone. I'm so hyperfixated on having him in my life that I constantly make up scenarios with us as a couple in them. So unhealthy. 

He's no looker, nobody interesting, not super intelligent, just a Mr Average with a dad bod and yet I cannot get him out of my mind. I'm stupid. 

This feeling is awful. 

15 April 2024 - Emotional Exhaustion

I had the first psychologist session today.

And it went as I had expected, very emotionally exhausting. 

In fact I started tearing up before I even started talking, only when the psychologist was telling me how she might be able to help me. 

I think it probably didn't help that right before my session started, the Bozo had sold his house... And that signalled such a finalality to what we had. Which admittedly was not much, so why am I so attached to that guy?

How do I know he sold his house? The house where we were last intimate, the house where my last fond memory of what we had... Shattered soon afterwards... Well I know because I have been online stalking him... Creepy, yes but I miss him so much and I still don't know what happened or what I did to make him change his mind so quickly.

My obsession needs to stop. 

But i cannot help but watch where his movements are, if not actually physically then just online where he works.... I'm ashamed. 

I want to talk to him, to call him, to text him but I also don't know what to say to him. 

Anyway I digress, this news of him selling his house really messed with my mind and I entered the psych session very mindfucked.

We didn't touch on this topic today, and I really hope we don't. 

I don't know what I am expecting from these sessions but I hope it helps. I need to feel like myself again. I need to feel my confidence. I need to love myself again. 

This psych, she seems good. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to... But I don't feel uncomfortable with her so that's always a good start. 

We touched on mum and how her death may still have an effect on my life now. 

Perhaps just paying someone to listen to me talk is good enough. Since I don't really have anyone else to unload to. 

Meanwhile I keep willing myself to sign up for dating services.. Blind dating or speed dating but my courage and confidence isn't quite there yet. 

I'm not sure I'm doing it for the right reasons either... Do I just want to do it to get over this Bozo? Fuck. Why am I like this???? 

I hate this version of myself. 

Things must improve soon. I can't stand myself. 

15 March 2024: Depleted

Today I took a big step in life. Today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Mainly it's to help me address my lack of focus, my potential anxiety and depression but also maybe help with diagnosing potential ADHD.

The first session is a matching session, where a young psychologist gauges what my issues are and finds me a suitable psychologist for my actual sessions. And even in this first session I broke down talking about what I'm struggling with. I just couldn't verbalise it. I don't know why I feel this way.

Everything feels so hard. 

I have so much to do it's so overwhelming and I don't have anyone to turn to help me talk it out or do things. I feel so alone. 

Not my sister, who has her own life, and seems not interested in anything to do with my life anymore. She will give her time to everyone else but me at the moment. 

Not my brother, he's always got family things or kids things to do. 

Not any friend, I mean I have and do bother 1 or 2 of them but the deep deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment I find very challenging to talk about. 

The one person I do want to call and unload to is the bozo, but why the fuck will he care? Why am I so obsessed with him? I don't know, is it because he rejected me? And it's never happened before with anyone else? Not like this? 

I really liked him but did I just make up the whole situation in my head? Chances are yes, I totally made up how awesome he is and how much we connected but in reality, I barely fucking know him. And I didn't listen to my brain or my gut, which told me that he was a bad idea... and instead I listened to my heart and had it broken. Fucking arsehole. 

I keep making up scenarios of how wonderful he is but why can't I just make up stories of how awful is he as a person and get fucking over him? 

Anyway, I sidetrack, he is the one person I want to call to talk to but he won't want to hear from me. 

So I am left with nobody. 

And I was very emotional in this first session. 

I'm not sure if this is normal but the release to someone I didn't know, and who wouldn't judge me was very freeing. 

Expensive. But freeing. 

And then i come home, exhausted from being an emotional wreck for an hour and I get a notification on my phone to see that the bozo is selling his house. And I really honestly wanted him to send me a link to message me and let me know... But he hasn't.

And instead I just cyber stalk him, and I look at all the details of this house, of the bed that I last slept in, reminding me of the last time I thought we were OK. But that was the night he changed his mind. 

And my heart and mind just broke. And I could not do anything more all night. I didn't even have dinner. I just crashed into the couch and didn't move except to feed the dog and let her out for a wee break. 

I'm tired. I need to get over this guy, he is wrecking my life. I'm so stupid. 

Embracing Diversity: Inspiring Inclusion on International Women's Day

Bad day in the office today.

(long story short: firstly, nobody told me there was gonna be nobody else in the office except me and the 2 bosses :| I should've just stayed home today. What a waste of a Myki day pass...

And on IWD of all days, not only no celebrating at work but nobody to actually celebrate with. So sadness.

Secondly, the Big Boss decides that just because he doesn't understand how to log an IT ticket and didn't like being politely told off by the IT guy, that it is not his fault, but the fault of the IT ticketing platform because it is not easy enough. Additionally, it is also the IT guy's fault that the web form on our website sends emails to junk folder even though they had nothing to do with creating the website or web page, was not consulted on anything, and did not have access to WordPress to check or fix any of the settings (until today). So yes, all their fault and without saying as much, is also my fault for not managing them better.

Fucking over it.

So I spent it writing this piece thinking of uploading it to LinkedIn, but I don't quite think it's the right place for it... so I am sharing it with myself. 

As we celebrate International Women's Day and the theme of "Inspire Inclusion," I find myself reflecting on my journey as an Asian female working in predominantly white male-dominated industries. What were the moments that made me feel included? Or excluded? How did I navigate those challenges? Who were my champions along the way?

Throughout my career, there have been moments where my ethnicity, gender, and sometimes age have, consciously or unconsciously, stereotyped me, sticking an invisible label on my head making me feel like I didn't belong - not just at the table but at times even in the room. If you’ve ever walked into a room full of old white men as a young Asian woman, you know what that feels like - and no I’m not there to get the coffee, but if you want one from me, then it’s gonna be the worse tasting coffee that’ll ever cross your lips (True story). Or those times when all the boys in the office huddle together to talk footy (or whatever the topic du jour was) but never consider that perhaps you have something to contribute too.

While these experiences of not belonging were infrequent for me, I am aware that many women face similar barriers daily, highlighting the ongoing battle for inclusivity. I am privileged - fluent in the language, highly educated, and assertive - attributes that empower me to navigate challenging situations. Conversely, reflecting on my mother's experience as a migrant with limited English skills, I witnessed first hand how exclusion can diminish one's voice and visibility as I watched her shrink and become invisible in society. However, I also know how amazing she was and how much she could’ve contributed had she been offered the luxury of inclusion.

Inclusion should not be a luxury; it should be a fundamental right for all.

It is important to recognise that inclusion should not be limited to a single day of celebration nor solely the responsibility of one gender; everyone has a part to play in creating a diverse and equitable environment where all voices are heard and valued. Being visible and being heard is the catalyst for change.

And change is happening (albeit at times slowly). By sharing our stories, advocating for diversity, and challenging biases, we will have more welcoming and supportive places. I see a future where breaking barriers is no longer necessary because inclusivity is ingrained in everyone, diverse voices are amplified, and championing equality becomes second nature to all.