23 December 2024 - Dating

 So 13 November I finally relented and signed up to a dating app and O M G, it was so incredibly overwhelming I didn't know how to deal with it all. And by all, I mean, by all the hits I received from random men who most of which, clearly did not read my profile or try to understand me... I think they just hit like on a pretty photo. Such a yuck way to attract the opposite sex... 

I mean, I'm now part of that cycle but it still feels yuck.

Anyhoo... that is a whole other post.

Fast forward 5 weeks, and I have stopped responding to new messages from the app 3 weeks ago, and currently only talking to a small handful of guys I have met on it.

Of which, there is really only 1 that I feel like I have a true connection with.

It feels odd. And I'm trying to be cautious with my feelings. I know me, I know how I am. When I fall for someone, I fall hard, and deep and often quickly. And if I am being honest, the only thing I can really control is the speed/pace - so there is one guy, and I love the way I feel when I'm with him. And I'm not sure if it is because he is so different to what I know and am familiar with, and so different to what I had expected in a man. 

I did not expect to fall for someone who is the way he is...

And I am trying to gauge if this is just a feeling of lust taking over again or am I really truly feeling like he understands, like he sees me for who I am and wants to know more. I really don't know and I have no idea how to find out.

I have broken all the rules and boundaries that I have set for myself. I am not great at abiding by my own boundaries.

What do I mean?

Well, our first date was arranged on the same day it happened. I did always say to myself - do not agree to last minute dates with anyone, this is a rule because you don't want to feel like an afterthought, or a fill in date because something else fell through. But I really wanted to see him and all boundaries went out the window. 

Another thing was, we should meet somewhere central/ neutral but he told me he couldn't drive so instead, I drove to his neighbourhood and met him there. And I hate driving, and I especially hate driving to places that I am unfamiliar with... I did that for him. What's wrong with me?

Next thing, we kissed on the first date. Not just a quick peck on the cheek or lips, but a real proper passionate kiss, against my car. To be honest, he kissed me and I let him and I liked it.

Second date happened within days. I again drove out to him on a week night when I had work the next day. It's definitely something I wouldn't do for anyone else.

In fact, I've become so bored of other conversations with the other men.

Second date was special - unexpectedly, we had the whole restaurant to ourselves, and it was wonderful. As if it was deliberately planned that way even though I know full well it wasn't. I'm going to remember it like it was definitely planned and organised that way :)

The food was average, but the two of us was in a world of our own with little interruptions from anyone else, including the wait staff. Afterwards, he walked me to my car and again pulled me in close and kissed me against the car. We cuddled and kissed for a little bit and it all felt wonderful.

I remember we were the only ones in the dark carpark when suddenly another car pulled in and dropped someone off. Their headlights were shining on both of us like a spotlight, as we both looked up at it, he just softly shouted "help". 

I still smile about it now when I think about it. 

By the 3rd date, we had sat and talked in a cafe for hours before heading for a short drive past his old house and a national park... then headed back to his house to cool down. And long story short, we slept together that day. I certainly didn't plan or expect it to happen so quickly. Not my usual modus operandi.

The feeling inside me, just feels so good when I am with this man. And he is nothing like I imagined. In fact, on paper, is nothing that I should want at all at this stage in my life.

1. He is (hopefully temporarily)half blind and severely vision impaired.
2. Due to this, he is unable to drive so I have to go to his neighbourhood to see him rather than them coming to see me like the other dates.
3. He has a job that does not pay a stable income.
4. He lost a lot of his wealth in his divorce, and unlikely to have decent superannuation, proper insurances, or ability to retire at a reasonable age, whilst I have plans to retire in 10 years or less.
5. He is overweight - apparently, according to him, because he is not allowed to exercise due to the pressure on his eyes.
6. He has 2 very young kids for his age. This means that I cannot see him for at least half the month (if we were to date).
7. He has mental health issues. That he is/has dealt with and very open about.
8. Due to his young kids, we are unlikely to be able to go on decent overseas holidays (if we were to date), also he probably won't have funds to go anyway.
9. He's got very "white" taste buds - I will have to educate him on the enjoyment of eating at nice places.
10. He may not be able to financially keep up with my desire to eat out at nice restaurants.
11. He is (self-admittedly) not very handy around the house.
12. He lives too far. He is unlikely to be able to move due to his kids commitments and I will never move from my beautiful home.
13. He once made lots of money, but is now a stereotypical "poor artist" type.
14. He is older than the other guys I am talking to.
15. He is not as fit as the other guys I am talking to.

Despite all these things, I find him extremely attractive and I cannot stop thinking about him. His words, his intelligence, the way he expresses his feelings and sees right into mine, makes me feel so vulnerable and yet so seen at the same time.

I cannot articulate the things he can so easily put into words, and I wish I could.

But my focus has shifted and I'm ever so glad.

I still miss that bozo, but I'm glad I can see through the fog now. I'm glad I resisted the urge to get in touch on his birthday. I just have to keep reminding myself, why do I give so much energy to someone who doesn't want me back. When there are clearly so many people out there who do want me!

Now, I am on a mission to avoid the same mistakes I've made in past relationships.

I will set up boundaries. I will write them down. I will memorise them. And I will abide by own boundaries.

I really hope things work out with him because I really like this one, despite the challenges we face now.