Saturday, December 31, 2022

31st December 2022

As 2022 draws to a close, if I may interrupt your normal programming to indulge me for a small moment (its gonna be a lengthy one!). I want to take this opportunity to catch my breath and reflect on the past 12 months and boy, what an incredible year it's been!

We started the year with one of the worse outbreaks of covid in the country just as we were beginning to go about our 'normal' lives again... (whatever normal is). Then as that came under control, it was wonderful to watch life finally properly re-bloom around the country.

As the year progressed and just as our vaccination rates increased, and covid seemed somewhat under control and there began a semblance of normal life in society again, I went on a quest to find something different to do, something challenging that will shift me from my usual default state of being naturally lazy. I have never been satisfied with settling into default mode... my attention span is too short and i get restless and annoying. Even if it was just being lazy. And from the realms of boredom a considered and conscious decision was made to venture beyond default!

Venturing beyond default starts with the difficult decision to leave a good, comfortable job, working alongside a crew of amazing people who do great work every day. And I am forever thankful for their support, guidance, encouragement and not to mention, all the laughs, whilst working with them. 

Eventually I landed at a different type of company. One where I felt the values aligned more closely with my own and caring about the people really was a priority. 

It was a big change moving to a smaller team. There were fewer people for me to talk to on a daily basis, fewer people to pick brains, fewer people to share lunch with. If I had learned anything about myself during covid it was that for an introvert, I really crave and need to have human interaction. I didn't enjoy WFH, the loneliness of not talking to anyone in the flesh, not getting to know my colleagues on a personal level was a struggle for me. Suffice to say, going into an office where on some days there would only be 2 or 3 people (including myself) was a big culture shock.

I did initially think... What. Have. I. Done?! Have I made the wrong decision? What am I doing here?? 

However, going beyond default was never going to be comfortable, it was merely just time that I needed to give. Change is not always easy, sometimes it gets thrown at you without warning, sometimes you force it upon yourself. Regardless, change takes time for us to adjust and almost always leads to something unexpected, sometimes exciting and sometimes challenging. Oftentimes all of these things. 

A lot of change happened in 2022, sometimes difficult but ultimately has lead me to where I am now. I have met and worked with amazing and incredibly dedicated humans, people who care so much about doing things right and doing the right things. We don't always get it perfect, and the goal posts change every now and again but regardless of the changes i know that we are working towards the same goal. And it feels right for now.

Despite the challenges, this year has been a good one. I have enjoyed and savoured much gourmet delights and drank more than I normally would or should. I played and participated in things i used to avoid and i have moved and been more active than i have in years. I have laughed and loved life amongst good friends. It's been a good year.

I am grateful for the opportunities that has enabled me to be where i am now. I still have a lot more to learn. I am thankful to be surrounded by many incredible and passionate people from whom I can continue to grow and learn.

As the year ends and my journey continues into 2023, i look forward to catching up with many of you in the new year. Please stay safe and take care during your celebrations and may 2023 be an incredible and joyous year, one where drama is kept minimal and where we can continue to learn, grow, enjoy and keep venturing beyond default.


Monday, April 18, 2022

18th April 2022 - a bittersweet day

4 years ago today our lives changed forever.

I haven't written about this day since it happened.

The day of the car accident. 
The day mum went into a hospital and never came out.

The same day as Lu's birthday.
As you can imagine, it's not a great day to remember such things. But we must move on with life. Mum would not want us to dwell on the sadness, she would want us to enjoy life and make the most of what we have achieved. Don't waste life as it can be so easily and cruelly cut short.

And mostly we try to honour her memory by doing just that.
But today is not one of those days.

Today, at least for me, is a day when I am brought back to the memories of that day when my beautiful mother's joy to life was so suddenly taken from her. Unfairly. Unexpectedly. Traumatically. It still haunts me how quickly it all came about.

The details are no longer as sharp, they are fading slowly, so in a way it's a good thing, the pain I feel when I miss her, although always still present, isn't quite as intense anymore. Nevertheless, much of it is still clearly etched into my memory.

And when these memories surface, the hollowness I feel makes me miss her so much it still hurts every cell in my body.

Today is supposed to be a day of celebration. A celebration of the birth of my wonderful, amazing, intelligent sister. Instead, it will now also forever be tainted by this sad memory of the loss of our dear mother.

The unfairness of it all is horrible.

We don't talk about it. We try to take it like a normal day, a normal birthday....

If I had to unpack it, technically, mum didn't die today, however, for me, today is a marker of a series of shit events of 2018.

And just like that, 4 years have passed. And we have somehow moved on. 
I miss her every day, but I miss her more of a day like today. A day where she should be celebrating with us, watching us proudly, enjoying a feast, watching her grandkids grow and develop into cheeky little buggers. Living the life that she worked so hard to have.

A day like today should be full of joy - don't get me wrong, it is joyful. We have great friends, we are privileged, we are not want of anything material - but it is now also tainted by a little sadness. And guilt for enjoying ourselves.

I know it's not rational. I know what my mother would've wanted us to do and feel, but human feelings are hard to control.

I have work tomorrow and I am writing this at 3am.... why do I need to note this down now? It perhaps doesn't even make sense, or won't make sense when I read this again sometime in the future....

But I cannot sleep. Not even an ounce. I am bloody tired but my mind won't shut off.

I guess I miss her. More than words can ever express.

And I needed to write those feelings down.