I know. It's been admitted many a times before....
I just don't know how to be good at this "blogging" business.
So I'm not going to make myself feel guilty anymore.
Things have happened... events have occurred... I've done stuff since May this year. Should I mention them all? Maybe perhaps at least some of them at the time that they happened, but I won't do that right now. Memory is an easily distorted thing... (thank you Black Mirrors for putting that thought into my head!).
So what brings me here this time?
Well. Boredom really.
Waiting around... an abundance of time... the very thing that many people do not have, I have copious amounts of. And that is what brings me here today.
Just thought I should put down some thoughts in my head. Whether they make sense or not, it doesn't matter. I should just write and write and write. Writing helps me. Writing heals me. I should do it more often.
I'm by all means, not a great writer. Probably not even a good writer. But getting the thoughts out of my head calms my mind.
So... thoughts?
Well, as of 4 weeks ago, I am now an aunt to a gorgeous little nephew. He is a blessing and a joy. He's happening has brought about a beauty and happiness to me that I just cannot explain. He has come into my life as the love and light that I lack in my life right now.
I'm still getting to know him, we all are.
He has chosen well. He has chosen a great family to become part of. He has chosen parents who are beautiful in every way, they are intelligent, kind and full of love and will love, cherish and guide him to become an intelligent and beautiful adult.
I can only hope that I can do the same. To be a good role-model for him, to show him right from wrong and to let him make his own mistakes when/where necessary. To be his confidant if he so wishes.
My heart is so full of love for this little boy, this little new born human. I knew it would be this way before he was born but the love I have for him is so all-consuming that it surprises even myself.
I hope to be the "cool aunt" but I will probably end up being the embarrassing aunt. I will gush about him. I will do everything for him. And I will make him know how much I love him. And how much his other aunts/ uncle/ grandparents all adore him.
Ahh.... babies. Why do they do this to us????
Anyway, gush gush gush....
On the other hand, the bloke situation....
Always the situation. The one that makes me feel shit in every sense of the word.
It's been well over a year.... 2 weeks shy of 15mths to be precise, yet I still miss him.
My stomach churns with a sick feeling, my heart aches, my mind is dizzy from the feeling of hurt and of being abandoned so suddenly and without reason or logic. And yet these same feelings occur whenever I think of him.
And I miss him so much.
So much it hurts.
I think of him all the time. And I shouldn't. He brings so much hurt, and yet I'm stupid and silly to want to hear him.
My logic side tells me that it's for the better, we were never suited, our lives too different. But I cannot help wanting him. Wanting him back. Wanting to be part of his life and him to be part of mine.
How much time do I need to stop feeling this way?
