Not a good blogger

I know. It's been admitted many a times before....
I just don't know how to be good at this "blogging" business.
So I'm not going to make myself feel guilty anymore.

Things have happened... events have occurred... I've done stuff since May this year. Should I mention them all? Maybe perhaps at least some of them at the time that they happened, but I won't do that right now. Memory is an easily distorted thing... (thank you Black Mirrors for putting that thought into my head!).

So what brings me here this time?

Well. Boredom really.

Waiting around... an abundance of time... the very thing that many people do not have, I have copious amounts of. And that is what brings me here today.

Just thought I should put down some thoughts in my head. Whether they make sense or not, it doesn't matter. I should just write and write and write. Writing helps me. Writing heals me. I should do it more often.

I'm by all means, not a great writer. Probably not even a good writer. But getting the thoughts out of my head calms my mind.

So... thoughts?

Well, as of 4 weeks ago, I am now an aunt to a gorgeous little nephew. He is a blessing and a joy. He's happening has brought about a beauty and happiness to me that I just cannot explain. He has come into my life as the love and light that I lack in my life right now.

I'm still getting to know him, we all are.

He has chosen well. He has chosen a great family to become part of. He has chosen parents who are beautiful in every way, they are intelligent, kind and full of love and will love, cherish and guide him to become an intelligent and beautiful adult.

I can only hope that I can do the same. To be a good role-model for him, to show him right from wrong and to let him make his own mistakes when/where necessary. To be his confidant if he so wishes.

My heart is so full of love for this little boy, this little new born human. I knew it would be this way before he was born but the love I have for him is so all-consuming that it surprises even myself.

I hope to be the "cool aunt" but I will probably end up being the embarrassing aunt. I will gush about him. I will do everything for him. And I will make him know how much I love him. And how much his other aunts/ uncle/ grandparents all adore him.

Ahh.... babies. Why do they do this to us????

Anyway, gush gush gush....

On the other hand, the bloke situation....
Always the situation. The one that makes me feel shit in every sense of the word.
It's been well over a year.... 2 weeks shy of 15mths to be precise, yet I still miss him.
My stomach churns with a sick feeling, my heart aches, my mind is dizzy from the feeling of hurt and of being abandoned so suddenly and without reason or logic. And yet these same feelings occur whenever I think of him.

And I miss him so much.
So much it hurts.
I think of him all the time. And I shouldn't. He brings so much hurt, and yet I'm stupid and silly to want to hear him.

My logic side tells me that it's for the better, we were never suited, our lives too different. But I cannot help wanting him. Wanting him back. Wanting to be part of his life and him to be part of mine.

How much time do I need to stop feeling this way?

I had a dream....

Woah!

Woah woah woah woah WAIT!

What. Is. This?

My last post here was July LAST YEAR?!?!?!?!

Oh dear heavens above! I am disgustingly terrible at this!

I would love to say that it is because I am busy... that I have an active social life and I have better things to do with my time than post inane brain mutterings that really only I myself would read.... but alas, the answer to the aforementioned is a negative. I do not. My life is full of time, and nothingness, waiting for me to do something with... time that is wasted on me. Time that would be better off with new owners who would make better use of it than I do.

I guess I just don't have the motivation to do it. But I will try! Because as silly and mundane as these posts are, I find myself really enjoying the trips down memory lane when I come back here. I love reminding myself about how I felt at a particular point in my life. And I hope to note down more of it so I don't have to forget. I mean, life is full of ups and downs and as much as I remember all the ups and should forget the downs, it makes us more human to remember why we cherish the 'up times' so much when you are reminded of how lucky you really are. Yes girl, you are damn lucky and never forget that!

So anyways, what brings me back here today?

Well... I had a dream!

A really weird, odd one that I remember quite vividly. I truly believe that dreams are a reflection of what happens in or to our actual lives here in reality land. I have had so many occasions where my dreams tell me something about myself, or about what is about to happen in my day to day life and it is uncanny how accurate it can be!

So it goes something like this...

My sister and I are tracking down a mouse in our house, a little mouse that has been niggling away at our delicious food for some time... and finally we manage to corner it! Yay!
I use one of our clear take-away food boxes to catch it, and put the lid on it. Poor little mousey is trapped alive in a take-away box....

Then, after minor celebrations and congratulations to ourselves for catching said little critter, we look and stare at the container with mousey inside. The container has no air holes and poor little mousey is slowly dying from lack of oxygen in the box. I feel bad, sister feels bad. But we both don't want to release the mouse back into the house. So what do we do?
We contemplate a few ideas while mousey is gagging for air and choking to breathe...
Finally, I take the container and throw it into a passing rubbish truck where it gets crushed.

Me & Sis: 1
Mousey: 0

After that, I don't remember much else of the dream, but I do remember feeling really relieved. Then I woke up.

So... that happened on Sunday night, and it has taken me until today, Wednesday, to look for some meaning into this strange odd behaviour of mine...Well, dream dictionaries tell me this:

To see a mouse in your dream indicates fear, meekness, insignificance and a lack of assertiveness. You are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and fears that you are not measuring up. The dream may be telling you that you are spending too much time hiding in the shadows of someone else. Alternatively, a mouse symbolizes minor irritations and annoyances. Perhaps you are letting petty problems or insignificant issues eat away at you.

  

To dream that you kill or trap a mouse suggests that others are making a big deal out of certain minor issues in your life. 

Hmm.....fear eh? meek eh? lack of assertiveness eh? Ooooookaaaaay..... give you that one, but who doesn't have these feelings at some point in their lives? I don't particularly see mine as a hindrance to me...

Or minor irritations and annoyances? Well HELLO! That's more like it! YES! Of course there are minor irritations and annoyances, particularly at work... the same old story as everybody else really.

So to trap and kill a mouse - WHICH I DID ACTUALLY DO! - suggests others are making a big deal out of minor issues in my life??? Well... I dunno about that. I can't really think of anyone right now in my life that is making a big deal about anything so, scratch that idea.

Until I investigate some more... this dream remains unsolved.