15 March 2024: Depleted

Today I took a big step in life. Today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Mainly it's to help me address my lack of focus, my potential anxiety and depression but also maybe help with diagnosing potential ADHD.

The first session is a matching session, where a young psychologist gauges what my issues are and finds me a suitable psychologist for my actual sessions. And even in this first session I broke down talking about what I'm struggling with. I just couldn't verbalise it. I don't know why I feel this way.

Everything feels so hard. 

I have so much to do it's so overwhelming and I don't have anyone to turn to help me talk it out or do things. I feel so alone. 

Not my sister, who has her own life, and seems not interested in anything to do with my life anymore. She will give her time to everyone else but me at the moment. 

Not my brother, he's always got family things or kids things to do. 

Not any friend, I mean I have and do bother 1 or 2 of them but the deep deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment I find very challenging to talk about. 

The one person I do want to call and unload to is the bozo, but why the fuck will he care? Why am I so obsessed with him? I don't know, is it because he rejected me? And it's never happened before with anyone else? Not like this? 

I really liked him but did I just make up the whole situation in my head? Chances are yes, I totally made up how awesome he is and how much we connected but in reality, I barely fucking know him. And I didn't listen to my brain or my gut, which told me that he was a bad idea... and instead I listened to my heart and had it broken. Fucking arsehole. 

I keep making up scenarios of how wonderful he is but why can't I just make up stories of how awful is he as a person and get fucking over him? 

Anyway, I sidetrack, he is the one person I want to call to talk to but he won't want to hear from me. 

So I am left with nobody. 

And I was very emotional in this first session. 

I'm not sure if this is normal but the release to someone I didn't know, and who wouldn't judge me was very freeing. 

Expensive. But freeing. 

And then i come home, exhausted from being an emotional wreck for an hour and I get a notification on my phone to see that the bozo is selling his house. And I really honestly wanted him to send me a link to message me and let me know... But he hasn't.

And instead I just cyber stalk him, and I look at all the details of this house, of the bed that I last slept in, reminding me of the last time I thought we were OK. But that was the night he changed his mind. 

And my heart and mind just broke. And I could not do anything more all night. I didn't even have dinner. I just crashed into the couch and didn't move except to feed the dog and let her out for a wee break. 

I'm tired. I need to get over this guy, he is wrecking my life. I'm so stupid. 

Embracing Diversity: Inspiring Inclusion on International Women's Day

Bad day in the office today.

(long story short: firstly, nobody told me there was gonna be nobody else in the office except me and the 2 bosses :| I should've just stayed home today. What a waste of a Myki day pass...

And on IWD of all days, not only no celebrating at work but nobody to actually celebrate with. So sadness.

Secondly, the Big Boss decides that just because he doesn't understand how to log an IT ticket and didn't like being politely told off by the IT guy, that it is not his fault, but the fault of the IT ticketing platform because it is not easy enough. Additionally, it is also the IT guy's fault that the web form on our website sends emails to junk folder even though they had nothing to do with creating the website or web page, was not consulted on anything, and did not have access to WordPress to check or fix any of the settings (until today). So yes, all their fault and without saying as much, is also my fault for not managing them better.

Fucking over it.

So I spent it writing this piece thinking of uploading it to LinkedIn, but I don't quite think it's the right place for it... so I am sharing it with myself. 

As we celebrate International Women's Day and the theme of "Inspire Inclusion," I find myself reflecting on my journey as an Asian female working in predominantly white male-dominated industries. What were the moments that made me feel included? Or excluded? How did I navigate those challenges? Who were my champions along the way?

Throughout my career, there have been moments where my ethnicity, gender, and sometimes age have, consciously or unconsciously, stereotyped me, sticking an invisible label on my head making me feel like I didn't belong - not just at the table but at times even in the room. If you’ve ever walked into a room full of old white men as a young Asian woman, you know what that feels like - and no I’m not there to get the coffee, but if you want one from me, then it’s gonna be the worse tasting coffee that’ll ever cross your lips (True story). Or those times when all the boys in the office huddle together to talk footy (or whatever the topic du jour was) but never consider that perhaps you have something to contribute too.

While these experiences of not belonging were infrequent for me, I am aware that many women face similar barriers daily, highlighting the ongoing battle for inclusivity. I am privileged - fluent in the language, highly educated, and assertive - attributes that empower me to navigate challenging situations. Conversely, reflecting on my mother's experience as a migrant with limited English skills, I witnessed first hand how exclusion can diminish one's voice and visibility as I watched her shrink and become invisible in society. However, I also know how amazing she was and how much she could’ve contributed had she been offered the luxury of inclusion.

Inclusion should not be a luxury; it should be a fundamental right for all.

It is important to recognise that inclusion should not be limited to a single day of celebration nor solely the responsibility of one gender; everyone has a part to play in creating a diverse and equitable environment where all voices are heard and valued. Being visible and being heard is the catalyst for change.

And change is happening (albeit at times slowly). By sharing our stories, advocating for diversity, and challenging biases, we will have more welcoming and supportive places. I see a future where breaking barriers is no longer necessary because inclusivity is ingrained in everyone, diverse voices are amplified, and championing equality becomes second nature to all.