31 May 2024 - Feelings

I heard somewhere, you have to be able to separate how you feel about someone and how that person makes you feel. They are two very different things.

That hits close to home. 

I feel like I really liked the Bozo, we had a good connection, similar senses of humour, we seem to get each other... But ultimately he has made me feel like a dirty discarded piece of tissue. He hurt me and yet I still want to see him, want to talk to him. I still feel so strongly about him. It's stupid.

He makes me feel shit and this is what I need to remember. 

Last night I had a very intense dream about him. He was in the same place I was... It felt like my home or my work place or some place that was my usual place to be, not his usual place... But he was there and I just couldn't look him in the eye. Why? Perhaps for fear of rejection, for fear of having emotions. 

I turned my head down, hoping he wouldn't see me, avoiding his gaze. Which seems silly because for the past few months I have wanted nothing more than to see him appear outside my door. I have wanted to throw my arms around him, for him to hold me tight in his arms.

But no, instead I turned my head down to avoid confrontation. And then later on in the dream, he came to talk to me and I couldn't avoid it anymore. 

I cried. And he tried to ask me why and I couldn't answer him. I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell at him, to tell him I trusted him but he hurt me. 

Fuck. 

And then I don't remember the rest of the dream. 

What a let down. 

It's been a tough week. 

I miss Sooty so much and then this stupid man keeps infiltrating my thoughts. My stupid head and heeart won't let him go. 

24 May 2024 - Sooty

Our dear beloved Sooty, the cutest, cleverly dumb dog you will ever get to meet is not well right now. Our family is devastated.

It really shouldn't be a surprise since she's been on a steady decline for some months now, but I guess the really sudden drastic decline took us all by surprise. How can it possibly be that on one day, she is behaving fine, but then overnight change and the following day, is not fine at all.

In just 1 night, she went from a normal functioning dog to one who is too weak to stand on her own, too weak to go to the toilet and too wobbly to walk straight. In fact, she cannot walk straight at all. She's literally walking around in circles because her brain is telling her head to go left to balance the body.

The body and brain are weird things.

It was very hard to watch and we had to make the difficult decision to put her out of pain. 

The diagnosis was likely to be a brain tumour, based on all the symptoms (head movement from side to side, eye twitching, leaning left, walking in circles, weak in the legs, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, loss of weight, pacing). Without conducting an MRI or opening up her head to look at the brain, its hard to confirm but the symptoms are classic signs of a brain tumour rather than anything to do vestibular system (ear imbalance, or vertigo).

It's the signs that have been presenting for at least the last 12months, but was always so inconclusive.

The vet did say that even if we did do the MRI, the only thing it will do is prove there is a tumour on the brain, but it wouldn't change how we treat her, so it seems an expensive exercise to put her through so much stress and risk.

We are devastated. I really did think we would have at least another 4-6 months with the little one. She was a weirdo but always a good dog. 

She never really liked other dogs but that's ok, you don't have to love everyone. We managed that part of her personality.

At the end of the day, I'm so glad we found her and had her part of our family for almost 16 years.

It still seems never long enough though. I am crushed and saddened. I miss her deeply.

Mostly I am ok, but random thoughts enter my mind at random times and I would choke up with tears.

There are a lot of things I won't miss about Sooty (or Taxi for that matter). I won't miss the fur every where in the house! I'm kind of glad that I can finally go out and buy a nice rug to put in the bedroom and living room without it being covered in dog fur.

I won't miss waking up every morning at 7am regardless of week day or weekend just to let her out for a toilet break and feed her breakfast.

I won't miss her messy eating, leaving food everywhere around the bowl.

I won't miss the pacing. This part I lie, I kind of do miss the sound of the pacing now.... because the pacing means she's still around, and still active and still mobile.

I won't miss the monthly vet visits for her Synovan injections.

I won't miss picking up her poo or cleaning up little accidents, or vomit in the house, or outside the house.

I do miss taking her out for a decent long walk. Towards the end she walked so slowly we didn't long walks anymore, just around the court.

I often wish I had a good suitable backyard with lawn where she could prance around and frollick like she used to. She always did love grass and rolling around and scratching her back on it.

Lu had taken her for the week to give me some respite because I have not been coping with all the stuff that's been happening over the past few months, and coupled with a high needs dog, it just became a little bit too much.

It was while she was away for the week that she took a turn for the worse, and if there was one good thing that came out of this sudden-ness, it's that Sooty got to spend her last week with Lu, who has always been her best friend.

I took 2 days off work to spend with her, mainly she was just sleeping because when you don't eat for 2 days and your body is shutting down... that's what happens. I'm so glad to have been able to do this for her. She did wake every 2 or so hours to pee and try to walk... but walking was wonky and took up a lot of energy. So I slept in the living room with her, and got up when she got up. Suffice to say, I was pretty wrecked but it was worth it to spend those last few hours with her so closely.

At one point, I picked her up and cradled her, crying and apologising for the pain she was experiencing, for not being able to do more to help her, for prolonging her pain because we were not ready to let her go, for having to make the decision to put her to sleep. I'm not sure if she understood but I hope she could feel our love for her.

I hope she knows how much she was loved. We have tried to give her the best life we could give her.

I am so glad to have found her and have her part of our family. I will say this over and over again. We have been so lucky.

I wrote a little bit of stuff I remember about Sooty last night, while it was fresh because I know me and I'm afraid I might forget....

I will miss:

- hearing the jingle of your collar as your tags hit the metal buckle when you wake up and shake

- seeing you nudge open the bathroom door to come in and nudge my leg as I brush my teeth in the morning

- hearing your little feet patter through the house as you do your incessant pacing

- your silly little face, so gorgeous and cute

- how you rarely listened to instructions and just did your own thing your whole life... You were deaf in your old age and may not have heard us well but that was just an excuse.

- seeing your prance around after dinner and good poo

- watching you sleep

- watching you sleep in weird positions

- watching your do zoomies through the backyard

- watching you enjoy rollicking in the grass

- listening to you slurping water and being annoyed by your face dripping water everywhere afterwards

- You! So much. You little weirdo.

I am sorry:

- that I was annoyed with you so often

- that you were in pain and we couldn't help you anymore. I wish we could've done more. I wish you had more time.

- I didn't spend more time at home with you.

- you didn't get to enjoy the new backyard, I wish it was more accessible to you before you were gone.

- that you couldn't enjoy your favourite foods during your last days in the world. I wish I could've taken away the nausea and headaches so you could enjoy eating as you once did

- we had to make the decision we did, it was very difficult to do for someone we loved so much

- that we didn't go for enough walks in your later life

- that we fed your medicine that made you crazy and got me so annoyed with you that I scared you. I'll never forgive myself for that.

- I didn't give you regular baths.

- I didn't take you out more.

21 May 2024 - Triggered

The month of May is never an easy time for me.

It's a month of sadness and sad memories. 

May 2018 was the month of daily hospital visits, the month where each day that passes was a day of lost hope that mum would ever leave the hospital alive. The month of mother's day, a day I no longer celebrate and a little hole becomes darker each year of it's reminder. The month of mums birthday, the month that she died.

Yest, 20th May 2024 marked the 6th year of her passing. The thing that has really been cemented for me is that not one day passes that I don't think of her or miss her. Some days more than ever.

Recently I've been seeing a psychologist and she's been really prodding this area to try to unpack the grief that I've obviously been holding onto for the past 6 years. 

I thought I was going to her to work out my anxiety issues and perhaps likelihood of ADHD (still self-diagnosed as the Psych doesn't think I tick enough boxes.... She's the expert I guess).

Anyway, complex grief leading to anxiety and maybe depression is what she is potentially diagnosing me with. 

So in brief, I've been very sad lately, and have cried a tonne. It's both exhausting and relieving as well. I often really wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me to make me feel safe and cared for. 

And today I had a very triggering moment. 

I went for a lunchtime walk around the neighbourhood and happened to see him, the bozo in his car at a house for sale not far from me. 

I had wondered how I would react if that happened, I had rehearsed a bunch of things to say to him if we came face to face again but alas, my reaction was exactly how I did not want to react.

I crossed the street, I felt a pang of anxiety and a big lump hit my throat, tears grouping up in my eyes waiting to pour out and I thought shit. I didn't bring any tissues. 

Motherfucker. 

I really need to get over this asshole. 

He doesn't deserve me or any of my attention or efforts. My reaction is totally mine to own. And I don't feel like I am in control of it. 

Every fibre of my being says he's not worth it and love on, and rationally I know this but my mind is not rational. My heart just wants him to call me so I can have everything i want to say out but this is just for me, he owes me nothing. He is a jerk. 

The rejection hurt really bad. 

And I think this is where the potential ADHD in me is... The hyperfixation on something, or in this case, the someone. I'm so hyperfixated on having him in my life that I constantly make up scenarios with us as a couple in them. So unhealthy. 

He's no looker, nobody interesting, not super intelligent, just a Mr Average with a dad bod and yet I cannot get him out of my mind. I'm stupid. 

This feeling is awful.