It's a month of sadness and sad memories.
May 2018 was the month of daily hospital visits, the month where each day that passes was a day of lost hope that mum would ever leave the hospital alive. The month of mother's day, a day I no longer celebrate and a little hole becomes darker each year of it's reminder. The month of mums birthday, the month that she died.
Yest, 20th May 2024 marked the 6th year of her passing. The thing that has really been cemented for me is that not one day passes that I don't think of her or miss her. Some days more than ever.
Recently I've been seeing a psychologist and she's been really prodding this area to try to unpack the grief that I've obviously been holding onto for the past 6 years.
I thought I was going to her to work out my anxiety issues and perhaps likelihood of ADHD (still self-diagnosed as the Psych doesn't think I tick enough boxes.... She's the expert I guess).
Anyway, complex grief leading to anxiety and maybe depression is what she is potentially diagnosing me with.
So in brief, I've been very sad lately, and have cried a tonne. It's both exhausting and relieving as well. I often really wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me to make me feel safe and cared for.
And today I had a very triggering moment.
I went for a lunchtime walk around the neighbourhood and happened to see him, the bozo in his car at a house for sale not far from me.
I had wondered how I would react if that happened, I had rehearsed a bunch of things to say to him if we came face to face again but alas, my reaction was exactly how I did not want to react.
I crossed the street, I felt a pang of anxiety and a big lump hit my throat, tears grouping up in my eyes waiting to pour out and I thought shit. I didn't bring any tissues.
Motherfucker.
I really need to get over this asshole.
He doesn't deserve me or any of my attention or efforts. My reaction is totally mine to own. And I don't feel like I am in control of it.
Every fibre of my being says he's not worth it and love on, and rationally I know this but my mind is not rational. My heart just wants him to call me so I can have everything i want to say out but this is just for me, he owes me nothing. He is a jerk.
The rejection hurt really bad.
And I think this is where the potential ADHD in me is... The hyperfixation on something, or in this case, the someone. I'm so hyperfixated on having him in my life that I constantly make up scenarios with us as a couple in them. So unhealthy.
He's no looker, nobody interesting, not super intelligent, just a Mr Average with a dad bod and yet I cannot get him out of my mind. I'm stupid.
This feeling is awful.
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