That hits close to home.
I feel like I really liked the Bozo, we had a good connection, similar senses of humour, we seem to get each other... But ultimately he has made me feel like a dirty discarded piece of tissue. He hurt me and yet I still want to see him, want to talk to him. I still feel so strongly about him. It's stupid.
He makes me feel shit and this is what I need to remember.
Last night I had a very intense dream about him. He was in the same place I was... It felt like my home or my work place or some place that was my usual place to be, not his usual place... But he was there and I just couldn't look him in the eye. Why? Perhaps for fear of rejection, for fear of having emotions.
I turned my head down, hoping he wouldn't see me, avoiding his gaze. Which seems silly because for the past few months I have wanted nothing more than to see him appear outside my door. I have wanted to throw my arms around him, for him to hold me tight in his arms.
But no, instead I turned my head down to avoid confrontation. And then later on in the dream, he came to talk to me and I couldn't avoid it anymore.
I cried. And he tried to ask me why and I couldn't answer him. I wanted to slap him, I wanted to yell at him, to tell him I trusted him but he hurt me.
Fuck.
And then I don't remember the rest of the dream.
What a let down.
It's been a tough week.
I miss Sooty so much and then this stupid man keeps infiltrating my thoughts. My stupid head and heeart won't let him go.
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