15 April 2024 - Emotional Exhaustion

I had the first psychologist session today.

And it went as I had expected, very emotionally exhausting. 

In fact I started tearing up before I even started talking, only when the psychologist was telling me how she might be able to help me. 

I think it probably didn't help that right before my session started, the Bozo had sold his house... And that signalled such a finalality to what we had. Which admittedly was not much, so why am I so attached to that guy?

How do I know he sold his house? The house where we were last intimate, the house where my last fond memory of what we had... Shattered soon afterwards... Well I know because I have been online stalking him... Creepy, yes but I miss him so much and I still don't know what happened or what I did to make him change his mind so quickly.

My obsession needs to stop. 

But i cannot help but watch where his movements are, if not actually physically then just online where he works.... I'm ashamed. 

I want to talk to him, to call him, to text him but I also don't know what to say to him. 

Anyway I digress, this news of him selling his house really messed with my mind and I entered the psych session very mindfucked.

We didn't touch on this topic today, and I really hope we don't. 

I don't know what I am expecting from these sessions but I hope it helps. I need to feel like myself again. I need to feel my confidence. I need to love myself again. 

This psych, she seems good. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to... But I don't feel uncomfortable with her so that's always a good start. 

We touched on mum and how her death may still have an effect on my life now. 

Perhaps just paying someone to listen to me talk is good enough. Since I don't really have anyone else to unload to. 

Meanwhile I keep willing myself to sign up for dating services.. Blind dating or speed dating but my courage and confidence isn't quite there yet. 

I'm not sure I'm doing it for the right reasons either... Do I just want to do it to get over this Bozo? Fuck. Why am I like this???? 

I hate this version of myself. 

Things must improve soon. I can't stand myself.