The first session is a matching session, where a young psychologist gauges what my issues are and finds me a suitable psychologist for my actual sessions. And even in this first session I broke down talking about what I'm struggling with. I just couldn't verbalise it. I don't know why I feel this way.
Everything feels so hard.
I have so much to do it's so overwhelming and I don't have anyone to turn to help me talk it out or do things. I feel so alone.
Not my sister, who has her own life, and seems not interested in anything to do with my life anymore. She will give her time to everyone else but me at the moment.
Not my brother, he's always got family things or kids things to do.
Not any friend, I mean I have and do bother 1 or 2 of them but the deep deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment I find very challenging to talk about.
The one person I do want to call and unload to is the bozo, but why the fuck will he care? Why am I so obsessed with him? I don't know, is it because he rejected me? And it's never happened before with anyone else? Not like this?
I really liked him but did I just make up the whole situation in my head? Chances are yes, I totally made up how awesome he is and how much we connected but in reality, I barely fucking know him. And I didn't listen to my brain or my gut, which told me that he was a bad idea... and instead I listened to my heart and had it broken. Fucking arsehole.
I keep making up scenarios of how wonderful he is but why can't I just make up stories of how awful is he as a person and get fucking over him?
Anyway, I sidetrack, he is the one person I want to call to talk to but he won't want to hear from me.
So I am left with nobody.
And I was very emotional in this first session.
I'm not sure if this is normal but the release to someone I didn't know, and who wouldn't judge me was very freeing.
Expensive. But freeing.
And then i come home, exhausted from being an emotional wreck for an hour and I get a notification on my phone to see that the bozo is selling his house. And I really honestly wanted him to send me a link to message me and let me know... But he hasn't.
And instead I just cyber stalk him, and I look at all the details of this house, of the bed that I last slept in, reminding me of the last time I thought we were OK. But that was the night he changed his mind.
And my heart and mind just broke. And I could not do anything more all night. I didn't even have dinner. I just crashed into the couch and didn't move except to feed the dog and let her out for a wee break.
I'm tired. I need to get over this guy, he is wrecking my life. I'm so stupid.
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