18th April 2022 - a bittersweet day

4 years ago today our lives changed forever.

I haven't written about this day since it happened.

The day of the car accident. 

The day mum went into a hospital and never came out.

The same day as Lu's birthday.

As you can imagine, it's not a great day to remember such things. But we must move on with life. Mum would not want us to dwell on the sadness, she would want us to enjoy life and make the most of what we have achieved. Don't waste life as it can be so easily and cruelly cut short.

And mostly we try to honour her memory by doing just that.

But today is not one of those days.

Today, at least for me, is a day when I am brought back to the memories of that day when my beautiful mother's joy to life was so suddenly taken from her. Unfairly. Unexpectedly. Traumatically. It still haunts me how quickly it all came about.

The details are no longer as sharp, they are fading slowly, so in a way it's a good thing, the pain I feel when I miss her, although always still present, isn't quite as intense anymore. Nevertheless, much of it is still clearly etched into my memory.

And when these memories surface, the hollowness I feel makes me miss her so much it still hurts every cell in my body.

Today is supposed to be a day of celebration. A celebration of the birth of my wonderful, amazing, intelligent sister. Instead, it will now also forever be tainted by this sad memory of the loss of our dear mother.

The unfairness of it all is horrible.

We don't talk about it. We try to take it like a normal day, a normal birthday....

If I had to unpack it, technically, mum didn't die today, however, for me, today is a marker of a series of shit events of 2018.

And just like that, 4 years have passed. And we have somehow moved on. 

I miss her every day, but I miss her more of a day like today. A day where she should be celebrating with us, watching us proudly, enjoying a feast, watching her grandkids grow and develop into cheeky little buggers. Living the life that she worked so hard to have.

A day like today should be full of joy - don't get me wrong, it is joyful. We have great friends, we are privileged, we are not want of anything material - but it is now also tainted by a little sadness. And guilt for enjoying ourselves.

I know it's not rational. I know what my mother would've wanted us to do and feel, but human feelings are hard to control.

I have work tomorrow and I am writing this at 3am.... why do I need to note this down now? It perhaps doesn't even make sense, or won't make sense when I read this again sometime in the future....

But I cannot sleep. Not even an ounce. I am bloody tired but my mind won't shut off.

I guess I miss her. More than words can ever express.

And I needed to write those feelings down.