Hello me, it's been awhile since I've touched on this page. I guess life gets in the way at the best of times, and the worst of times. And oh boy! There have been some doozies of the best and worst of times.
There is no possible way for me to itemise all of those moments in one post, but I may revisit those over time if I get the inclination to continue to draft up memories. The last time I posted was when Sebastien was born, the cheeky little man who whirlwinded his way into our lives and made it so much better than we can ever imagine. Seb is now almost 8 years old and I don't know if he will ever understand the massive universe of love and adoration that he has been born into.
Well since 2013 there has been another addition of a small human into our lives. Miss Harper who is now 5 and half years old is a gorgeous, chatty, loud, energic and super creative boss lady and we love her for it!
She loves to draw, she never stops drawing and I want to keep all her artwork however, due to the prolific nature of work, I don't think this will be possible so we will just have to keep pictures of most of them. I want to continue to encourage this creativity because she does have a talent.
So, coming back to my return. Why am I here again?
Well, I guess... I want a way to be able to remember all these emotions and feelings that I have at the moment. So much has happened over the past 8 years, and I regret not documenting my feelings at the time. I believe we grow by knowing ourselves and although I am generally quite a self-aware person, I do like to go over how I may have felt and acted once upon a time.... and how I have changed, whether for better for worse - hopefully only for the better though!
As a summary, I spent 10 long years in the same company... they were good to me, I learnt a lot, but it was perhaps 7 years too long and my professional growth was hampered as a result and now I feel like I have to catch up against people who are 10-12 years younger than me. It's hard work but I keep going. I won't give up.
In 2016, dad suffered a haemorrhaging stomach ulcer which caused him to collapse at home and then due to his body being in shock of losing so much blood, it triggered a heart attack whilst he was in the hospital ED. It was a very traumatising day for me, and for my family. Slowly and eventually he recovered but it was hard work.
In 2017, due to stress I resigned from cosy job to re-focus my life. To look after myself. Best thing I've ever done.
In 2018, I started the year in my dream job, working with inspiring people but an asshole of a boss. A bully by all definitions of the word. I started the job with a level of confidence the world could not contain and I left the job 4 months later a diminished person, a shadow of who I was and questioning every part of myself. Questioning whether I knew how to do my job... It was a terrible experience that I never want anyone to go through in their working life.
Shortly after that, in April 2018 my parents were both involved in a serious car accident. On the day of my sister's birthday.
It was not a good day.
A road that dad had driven thousands of times before over the past 40 years, driving slowly (~20-30km/hr), nobody was drug or alcohol affected (it was about 7:30am), there was morning traffic.... maybe in a moment of distraction, we will never really know... dad clipped the back of a truck in front and spun the car around. No other vehicle was involved, the truck was unscathed.
I remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday. Seared into my brain. It was confusion, uncertainty, lots of waiting and unsure what was going on... nobody in the hospital could tell us anything useful. Dad was in emergency department and then transferred to a ward. He was awake and alert in a bit of pain. He had fractured his spine but overall did not suffer any other injuries. Lucky fucker.
Mum on the other hand, we didn't see her at all. She lost consciousness on arrival to the emergency dept and was sent packets of blood, and other life saving measures. She was sent straight to theatre to repair some injuries she sustained in the crash. Her bowels were damaged, and she suffered trauma to various other parts of her body... but it was serious.
We only learnt over the next several weeks what the extent of her injuries were.
- Perforated bowels that were resected several times.
- Fractured spine
- Broken neck
- Fractured collar bone
- Broken wrist
- Bruised kidneys and liver
- Potential brain injury
- Potential spinal damage affecting legs
The last 2 were never really confirmed since she never regained consciousness so they could not assess if these would have been a major impact.
Unfortunately, mum fought for 4 long hard weeks in ICU but ultimately could not overcome the damage her body sustained. Her body gave up the fight on 20th May 2018. She had just turned 69 unconscious in an ICU bed the day before.
She never saw her precious grandchildren again.
We were crushed.
We are still crushed.
Our lives changed in an instant through nobody's fault. There was nobody to blame. Just pure bad luck.
Life sucks sometimes.
I sometimes wonder if it would've made a difference if I could find somebody to blame... would I feel better? I will never know.
And thus 2018 started off the worse year of my life.
Somehow miraculously I still managed to finish my MBA with somewhat good grades. I can't tell you how that happened since I think I did the last 6 units of the course in a fog of grief.
My old boss offered me an opportunity to return to work for them in a temporary casual position, with work days and hours to suit my studies. I could basically pick and choose the days and hours I worked. It was too good to be true.
Except for the fact I had to work with the world's dumbest dumbass. A weirdo in every sense of the word. I wish I could forget him but someone so fucking dumb is quite unforgettable. The weirdo carried his backpack with him everywhere he went in the office. He carried it to meetings, to the bathroom, to lunch... I wonder if there was some sort of precious cargo in there? Or maybe a severed human head... who knows. He was weird.
He was dumb enough to not know how to do his job or understand what his job was, but just smart enough to know that when you are identified as an under-performer, you must drag someone down with you. Guess who he decided to drag down with him?
Yes. Yours truly.
He accused me of bullying and intimidating him and so he was too scared to learn his job.
*GAGS* *CHOKES* *COUGHS* *VOMIT*
My first thought was: has he MET me? I don't know that anyone in the history of ever has ever found me intimidating.... Gosh
But unfortunately for dumbass dude was he didn't realise how much loved I was in this company. Literally everybody loved me and has known me for well over 10 years. I didn't have to prove anything. But it didn't alleviate the stress I felt at the time.
I offered to take some leave or work from home and avoid the office while they sort out their situation. I didn't need to be there, and I didn't ask for this situation and I don't need the stress.
Long story short, they gave him another few weeks to re-learn the job, and then they let him go because ultimately, you can never teach a dumbass new tricks. It was all just a waste of time. They wasted 8 weeks of everybody's life on a useless idiot.I travelled to China on a study tour and that was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself. I met some wonderful people, I learnt a lot, I experienced a lot and China was not what I expected.
It was the first time in the year that I had time to myself to not have to care or think about anyone else but myself. It was wonderfully freeing. I should do more of that in the future.
By year end, I had made it. Handed in my final assignment, did my last exam and got it all over and done with.
I had survived.
I was battered and bruised but I made it. I can do anything!
2019 was a whole new different type of challenge but after what I had gone through in 2018, it felt like a breeze.
First up, it took a lot longer than I ever expected to find work. Far too long. 7 long months of no work. Circling in my head constantly was the thought that perhaps I just am not as good as I thought? Perhaps Dickhead boss was right, I'm actually a useless person....
Each and every rejection came with an added tinge of 'there ya go, confirmed, you are shit, you are useless, why do you think you're any good at anything?'
It was hard getting out of bed. It was hard to keep motivated. I applied to over almost 200 jobs and got close so many times... so what was it about me that wasn't right?
All I knew was that my confidence was diminishing every minute of every day that I wasn't successful.
Eventually I began to sign up to temping agencies just to get some temping work.
The first assignment they sent me to was as a project coordinator to a security business out in the burbs. I was must say I was less than interested but I know I needed to show interest in order for them to keep sending me on assignments.
The brief was security business, b o r i n g! Located out in the burbs which meant that public transport was not viable, I needed a car, and I didn't have one. And it was a contract, 6 months which was not long enough and not short enough... annoying.
Anyway, interview went amazingly well. The boss was young, energetic and dynamic. So intelligent. So magnetic. It was hard not to accept the offer.
The first few weeks I was so lost and afraid that every little thing I did could cause me to lose my job. Confidence had been completely sapped out of me.
Eventually, I found my rhythm, and I found my place and I did my thing. And they love me.
Somehow miraculously I find myself still here 2 years down the track. And now I need to do more. But what is next on my career trajectory?
Amidst all of this chaos of a new role, a sudden worldwide pandemic hits our lives.
Covid-19, Coronovirus, alpha strain, delta strain, mask mandates, lockdowns... all words that were not in common use until 2020.
When covid hit us in Australia in March 2020, our lives changed. I discovered a lot about myself.
But I think that is a post for another day. Covid has been in our lives for almost 2 years now, and it's a lot of reflection to have to go through. Truth be told, we will probably never be rid of it, but if we can eventually control it then that's the best we can hope for.
For now. today's project milestone is reached. Total word count 2005.
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